Navigating and Redefining the Dynamics of Your Relationship in Retirement - How to Embrace Autonomy and Avoid the Traps of Co-dependency
- Lukas Winward
- Jun 20, 2024
- 7 min read
Retirement marks the start of a significant life transition, often accompanied by newfound freedom, more time for golf, catching up on TV shows, going to art galleries, an opportunity to concentrate on your family and friends, travel, whatever floats your boat. Retirement can be the most amazing time of your life if you really focus on what is important, look after yourself and have a growth mindset. It does also come with some challenges as all other phases of our lives have had. One particular challenge is navigating and redefining the dynamics of relationships in retirement, including managing the delicate balance of maintaining connection and preserving autonomy. Fostering and embracing autonomy is a crucial aspect of avoiding the trap of co-dependence and giving you and your partner the best opportunity to have a fulfilling retirement.
Understanding the Dynamics of Retirement Relationships
Some of the key issues in retirement are loss of identity, and loss of purpose and meaning. This impacts relationships. Everyone is different, for some retirement shifts a relationship to levels of love and connection they never dreamed of, for others it challenges identity, creates conflict and negatively impacts the relationship. I know couples who met at 17 years old and have been married for 50 years, their roles have been in place for a long time, changing it up does require patience and empathy. It may not be easy but remember, this is the last big phase of your life, make sure it counts and you are squeezing the juice out of life.
Have you heard a friend of family member say something like this before...
Now John is home I can’t wait for golf day to get him out of the house.
or
I feel like I am being micro-managed.
Here is part of the issue, couples who spent most of their time apart, had the focus of children, focus on work commitments, now find themselves in retirement.
Together.
Everyday.
All the Time.
Everyday.
So what is co-dependency? A good way to think of it is like relationship addiction. It can give feelings of anxiety when partners are separated (even for short times), feeling guilty if you take time for yourself, cancelling external social plans consistently, feeling like you are being managed (a very common theme with my female clients). Spending time thinking, talking and defining your relationship, discussing needs and wants can be challenging as identity and roles are being challenged but they are important conversations to have. I have not heard a lot of people telling me that they feel like they would like to become more codependent in their relationship. Mostly, people are searching for more autonomy whilst embracing a loving, caring and supportive relationship.
The Gender Issue and Identity
What I have noticed in my practice is that the majority of people who are seeking support with their relationship (particularly the issue of codependence) are women. What I commonly hear is that they feel that now their husbands are not going to work and filling their day with meetings that their focus can be directed on to their intimate partner and that they feel like an employee being micro-managed. This can quickly lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and on to a codependent relationship. Sorry fellas, your partners have been doing fine without you and they have their own things going on, they do not need to be micro-managed.
Retirement can be a very challenging transition and so much of our identity is related to our work, being a provider. At the same time retirement comes around you may have children living at home or about to leave and this can challenge how you and your partner operate. It is a lot to manage at the same time. For so long the focus may have been on work and managing the children, not so focused on what attracted you to each other in the first place. The comfort zone can be great but it also has side effects. Have you maintained regular date nights? Have you prioritised your own self-care? Are you able to enjoy your activities? What plans have the two of you made? How much do you talk about your needs/wants/goals? These are all important things to consider if you are wanting to get the most out of your relationship and your retirement. How do you define your relationship?
Cultivating Independence and Autonomy
Maintaining individual interests and activities is crucial if you are wanting to avoid co-dependence and embrace autonomy in retirement. So how do you do that?
An activity I suggest to clients is to go away separately and write down a list of the top 10 things they would like to achieve with the rest of their life, top 10 activities or pursuits.
This is really important because if you are not aiming at something then you are aiming at nothing.
I tell them to be selfish and really consider this question. I then suggest that both parties come together and work on the things that are aligned, and to collaborate and support each other to achieve the individual items on the list. Wouldn’t it be amazing if you and your life partner could achieve all or most of the things on those lists? By supporting each other’s passions and allowing space for individual pursuits couples can strengthen their own sense of self and prevent feelings of suffocation and resentment. If you are together all the time, what do you talk about at dinner or on a date? Where does the dynamism and romance in the relationship come from? Couples who are experiencing co-dependence can report that they are bored, lost and frustrated. Co-dependence can induce feelings of anxiety, fear and guilt. Do we really want our best friends and life partners to be feeling like this?
How nice it is to hear "how was your day, what did you get up too?" Rather than "I can’t wait for John to go to golf and get off my back".
Communication and Boundary Setting:
We all communicate differently in our relationships and we all have our own boundaries and ways to implement them, everyone is different. A contributing factor of co-dependence can be a lack of boundaries. Speaking to your intimate partner about moving boundaries can be a challenging conversation for some. To avoid an outcome like this, " you don’t want to spend time with me", approaching this topic with empathy and patience is advised. So how do you do that? I would recommend starting slowly, start with open and honest communication (build that up if you need to), talk about the strengths of your relationship, I love it when we…., ask what your partner wants/needs in the relationship, then it’s your turn so spend some time and have a hard think about what you want/need. Boundaries and open communication are the keys to getting the most out of your relationship. If you need support with setting boundaries and how to effectively communicate this I recommend finding a good Counsellor or Psychologist to talk to. If you are in a co-dependent relationship you can encounter a lot of resistance as change can be scary and we want to avoid your partner feeling anxious or any unnecessary conflict, so having a support team to help guide and strategise with you through this process is something to consider. Once the topic is breached, having regular check-ins is a great way to keep the ball rolling and see how you are feeling about the change.
Fostering Meaningful Connections Beyond the Relationship
Whilst it is obviously important to have a strong connection with your intimate partner, it is also important to work on friendships outside of the relationship. So how do you do that? I am a huge advocate for diversifying activities/hobbies and therefore, friendships. You can have the best plans to play golf every day but what happens if you hurt yourself or your financial position changes or you are needed in a support role with a family member or your intimate partner? What do you do then? How can you take the time you need for yourself? I ask clients to treat the topic of friendships like a job. You need to be brave, throw yourself out there and try to find friendships that bring you joy, challenge you in all the right ways and are engaging. Volunteering is a great way to meet like-minded people and altruism is a great way to find purpose and meaning in life. When you do something independent of your partner you get to bring back the exciting news of the day and plans for the future, it can generate a very exciting dynamic in the relationship rather than living on top of each other and feeling controlled and suffocated.
Self-Care and Wellbeing in Relationships
Self-care is essential for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship in retirement. I suggest teaming up and supporting each other to get out there, challenge yourself, do something good for your physical, mental, social and emotional wellbeing. You may need to spend time figuring out what self-care strategies work best for you. It could include things like;
Regular exercise
Meditation
Spending time outside
Journaling
Reading
Socialising
Sport
Volunteering
Clubs/events
Self-care activities need to fill up your cup, some need the company of others while others prefer rocking it solo but whatever it is you should feel replenished and good when you are finished. By taking care of yourself you are better equipped to look after the ones that you love
Retirement can be the most amazing time in your life where you get to explore the world, go on amazing adventures, attack the bucket list, find new purpose and meaning and all with your best friend and partner. It can be easy to fall into the trap of co-dependence so watch out. Having a focus on doing things separately is not a negative, it does not mean that you don’t like each other. Look at it as an opportunity to enhance your relationship, to bring new levels of excitement and connection and embrace that your partner is a capable and autonomous person, not someone who needs to be managed.
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